Tsoness's blog

My reason to blog

voxing:-)

The original purpose for this account was for me to document what was happening to me spiritually because I sensed that these are great and wonderful times that I will need to someday come back to and trace my walk. I sense that I am going through a phase of 'becoming' that is going to set a tone for the rest of my life. I need to remember events as they happened. As a result, I find it highly important to be totally honest.

This blog is not really for people, I actually do not care if even one soul never reads it. It is more like my diary with God. I feel like God is reading it (and helping me write it).

It is unfortunate that I have actually missed an opportunity to document a few other  posts because life just became so busy busy. So, those things that I take too long to record, I will just mention briefly. If I go into too much detail, I might just start making things up. That has to be avoided.

Anyway, that's that.

I dont know why I felt a need to explain ;-\

 

 

My Faithful

How could I doubt You?

You told them,
crazy as they thought You were
You told them that
You will raise from the dead
You told them that
the temple shall be rebuilt
by the 3rd day

You told them
and it happened
You rose from the dead
just like You said You would

So why would I doubt
when You say
You would do
what You say You will do
when You have raised from the dead
just like You said you will
You are able
You are willing
You are doing it
 

Oh, just to touch You

 
So I am sitting in the car and just feeling this void in me that makes me desperately want to physically touch God at that moment. I close my eyes and I say, "God I feel so far from you and I just need You, I need You". Then I start going through, "what if God is not hiding? What if He is just standing there looking at us?"

Ok, let me break it down:

Think of it this way,

An ant is very small. You can see it, study its body, figure out how many legs it has. You can put it under a microscope and study it and so forth, right? Right. Now, do you think an ant sees you? I mean, you are huge. Can it see your head and eyes and nose for what they are? Can it put all the pieces of you together and see you as you see yourself?

Think about it. When you are at the bottom of a mountain, you don't quite see the mountain for what it is. The bigger the mountain, the less you are able to perceive it as the whole that it is. You see one section of the mountain at a time. Even if you get to see all the sections, can you properly put them all together and have a clear picture of what the mountain looks like as a complete whole? No! Unless you take a plane and see it from the top, as a smaller figure can you then figure out how it looks like as a whole. Agree??

Ok, lets take it further and think about the planet on which we live. We see sections of it. We see where we live, walk, travel. We see parts. From space, the Pacific ocean is not so big but when I walk and look at it, my eyes cannot even see where it ends up - in fact, it looks endless and I cannot imagine (from that view) how the ocean is structured. I am exposed to the minute details of the closest thing I see.

Back to what was going through my meditation:

Imagine a big God. No, imagine a BIG God. No, imagine this BIG BIG BIG God. No...you cant!
So, lets work with what we have - our limited understanding, our limited view.
Imagine you have been invited by The Father to come to His chambers and meet with Him. You get there, a huge door opens for you - you cannot even see where the door begins. It seems to stretch up into eternity. You walk in and there are drapes and drapes of linen flowing in that room as if blown by gentle breeze. they look like they are hanging down to you from somewhere up theeeeeere. It all seem to stretch upward to eternity. There is this light, dancing with the flow of this linen (well, at least it looks like linen cloths). The light is goldish, but the kind of gold light that you have never seen on earth before - an unusual gold radiance. It feels sooo good yet so fear-strikingly awesome. [U with me so far??]. So you are kind of walking, assuming that you will get somewhere in the front where maybe there is a throne chair where God is sitting. Yet, it seems you are traveling endlessly between the lines flying around and the light dancing around and you cannot see 'the front' and the landscape is just not changing. Then you decide, "Let me call out to God". You do and He answers but You cant 'see' Him. He tells you He is here with you. You expected to meet Him, bow before Him and run to Him for a hug maybe. Now, where is He? Where is 'here'? Why cant you touch Him?

Now imagine this is all a movie and camera zooms out to show that like an ant you are traveling somewhere in between the feet of this great huge being. The linen are just His robes and you cannot even recognize any part of His feet because you are preoccupied with the fabrics flowing down on you. He sees you but you cannot see Him, not because He is not there but because He is that big. If He were to try pick you up with His hand, His finger would probably seem to you like a wall you suddenly ran into. Him picking you up could feel like an earthquake. He can hold you up to His face and you may mistake it for a landscape or the sky or something familiar like that. Am I making sense?

An ant does crawls on your pants and because it has a super close up of the pants, it is traveling on the stitches like they are hills or tracks or God knows what. The ant is too tiny to see the big picture. Even your voice may not even sound like anything but rather just feel like a ghastly wind. You see the ant but the ant cant see you. You are just part of its planet, a landscape. For you to see like the ant, you have to be like the ant. For you to communicate with the ant, that it hears and understand you, you have to shrink to its size or fit into the capacity of its perception. [Jesus had to come!!!! He could not come in His majestic self to come preach the gospel. It would have gone over our heads].

Okay, let me round this up.

If the ant can just believe that I exist. Yes, it cannot see me but I can see it. By faith, if it believes I exist...then believe that I see it... then believe that I understand it (lets say I have studied ants and understand behaviour and responses, blah, blah)...then believe that it can communicate to me... believe that not only can it speak to me but can also hear me...

It is easier for me to hear and understand it, since I can see it and have an understanding of the creature. All it has to do is to be itself and not act out of ant character and I can even predict its thoughts and actions in a given situation. But how does it hear me?

Interesting huh?? Think about it. Think about this God who has "torn the veil and made a way" for us to be able to have that relationship with Him. Maybe He is right here. Maybe we are crawling on His jeans...

Charity

...and hath not charity, I am nothing!!!

I used to get very irritated by the use of the word, "charity" by the King James Version in the 13th chapter of 1st Corinthians. At most times we are told to just substitute it with the word "love" for better understanding. I used to wonder though, why on earth did the old scholars choose charity instead of love when they were translating scripture? It is not like the word 'love' did not exist or was uncommon. Then, why did they opt for the word 'charity'?

Charity is a word that is associated with pity, doing something for the less fortunate (sometimes just to feel good about yourself), donating to some organisation, that thing that people do and brag about - a nice to have on your social or business resume. There is something suspect about it, you know. Not always genuine. And no self-respecting person wants to be a 'charity case'.

I was having a morning chat with The Holy Spirit, going through 1Cor13. I had a King James version Bible and there was that word again. I became vocal about my irritation to God and that is when I was taught something.

Firstly I was asked to think about the word 'charity' thoroughly and with His assistance, this is what it came down to:
 

1. Identifying a need (not a want)
2. Taking steps to meet that need (to close that gap, to fill that void, to provide that which is missing)
3. After doing all you can, to expect nothing back in return

Ok, that made sense but I was taken deeper into the word by an example given:

 

"Lets say you have a nasty boss. This manager's idea of being boss is putting people down and stripping them off of their dignity. The boss is verbally abusive and never says anything nice to or about anyone. You have to live with this everyday of your working life as long as you are in that company. If you were to exercise charity in this case:

1. You identify her need  - she has a problem relating to people on an emotional level. Perhaps she once suffered a terrible emotional let down, a victim of a heartache or a cold unemotionally attached upbringing, nobody told her she was important and beautiful so she is always trying to prove her worth by putting others down...whatever.
2. Taking steps to meet that need - deciding (against your carnal nature) that you are going to fill the void, to provide that which is missing, to close the gap. You go out of your way to smile at her, compliment her when she looks good or has done something well, remember her birthday, never speak evil of her, meditate on the good side (little as it may be) instead of getting upset over the bad behaviour that is in your face daily.
3. Expecting nothing in return - your behaviour towards her does not necessarily mean she is going to change and start treating you differently or anything like that.  Even if nothing ever changes, you still fill the gap because you are expecting nothing in return.

That is charity...the kind of love that 1Cor13 talks about. When you go through the whole chapter, you will see why the  word, 'charity'. In its purest form, the word 'charity' is meant to be an equivalent English word for Agape. The type of love that changed the world through sacrifice.

Lord, I want this to be the center and core of my life, to be my mission to all men that cross my path. Get me there, Spirit of The Living God.

...but hath not charity, it profits me nothing!!!

 

 

 

Build My House

(This recorded in my diary - 09Feb2010)

Lord, today I was led to read about Solomon, his wisdom and his wealth. Most of all, I read about him building the temple.

When I read about all of this, especially the temple, something in me came to life. Are you showing me something about me? Are you showing me something about my calling?

Haggai - the book that led me to understand My Calling, says, "Build My House"

The temple builder is given:

• Wisdom
• Wealth
• Fear of The Lord
• Spirit of obedience
• Encounter with the glory of God
• Experience of the presence of God
• Magnificent, extra-ordinary ability to build 'splendors of awe'
• Vision
• Ability to lead others in the work of the temple
• A promise of continuity (generational)

 

What an honour to be a builder of the house of GOD!!

• KNOW YE NOT THAT U R THE TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT?
• BEHOLD, THE TABERNACLE OF GOD IS NOW WITH MEN!!
• ...WE ARE LIVING STONES...USED TO BUILD THE HOUSE OF THE LORD
• IF U BUILD IT, HE WILL COME!!

Not my own

 

Wrote this in my diary in Durban (23June2010):

To wake up in the morning and think, "Wow, this is my day!", is absurd. I hve to know that I am an instrument in the hand of a Mighty God - oh what a Mighty God!

I have to expect that He will require me to do something out of my comfort (lazy) zone and I have to be ready to oblige.

This is the only way to die so that Christ manifests  (obedience).

Only Christ can save all of humanity because only Christ was found worthy to give His life.

So,
Take His life
Leave yours

He has given it to you because yes it is better, tested and triumphant!

 

Wow

A bit more than a year later!

I was reading my Vox (now exported to Typad) and I realised how super honest I had been. What a journey.

Well, God has been faithful and all is well. God is doing amazing things in my life and life is just much brighter. I really do not know how people live without The Most High. He just breaks you and molds you into His image. All the horrible things that used to be such a big deal are nothing before Him. It does not even take forever to get it all fixed by God. Truly He is a great God. We just need to stop running from Him when our lives are not picture perfect. One valuable lesson tha I have learned in my journey with God is that " NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HAVE MESSED UP, ALWAYS RUN TO GOD AND NOT FROM HIM!!" It takes more faith to go to God when you have messed up than when everything is all rosy.

I love you Daddy

Thank You for life in abundance

and

let me be able to blog more regularly :-)

Could get complicated

God is a God of grace indeed. So many times I get it all wrong. I complicate things. My human nature gets in the way of my happiness. I get all clouded with confusion. I push my own agendas. I sin. I fall. I struggle to get up. I condemn myself. I am tempted to regress, to pull out. I get up. I go on. I win.

This is my journey. I have been called into the office of a Prophet. My prophetic gift is stuck somewhere between religion, non-submissiveness and trespasses. It sucks. Once in a while, there is a manifestation. I know deep inside that this is not it. I know that somnething needs to break. That something is me!

I stand in my own way. I block my own path. Sometimes I am just being naive, sometimes careless, sometimes stupid and sometimes just plain rebellious. How is it that God still calls my name, still gives me promises, still holds me close? I will never really undersatand that.

I want to have a closer walk with God. A much closer walk. The Bible says that "Enoch walked with God". I like that. I want that. I want to be a person after His own heart like David, be called His friend like Abraham. I want to negotiate with Him  like Moses, walk powerfully with Him like Elisha. I want and crave so much more.

When I look at where I am, I wonder if I will ever get to where I desire to be. So many times I lived in the fear of doing it wrong, following my own mind, doing things in the flesh. This has paralized me a lot. It tied my hands and feet to even trying out the things God told me to do. Doubt is a horrible thing. To have that cloud of ' what if you are wrong' hanging on you, terrorizing you....I hate it!

I have decided that I would rather be wrong than be paralized by fear. I would rather make that mistake so that I know what the mistake looks like. This is the only way I can know what not to do. Then I can move on from that, try something else. I will do this until I get it right. It reminds me of the parable of the talents. I dont want to be that guy who went and hid his talent because of fear. Fear turns you into a coward. When you are a coward you hide things, you hide yourself. You are always trying to protect something from an enemy that is in your head. Its crazy. Goes along with such things as 'Fear of failure'.

My pastor talked to me and told me that I am too other-people-conscious. She said that I need to be more God conscious to be used effectively by God in my ministry. It reminded me of the verse (I think it is in Isaiah) that says something like, ' why do you fear mortal men more than you fear God? If you fear man, God will make them a terror to you' - well, something like that.

So, I need to be more brave - bold like a Lion of Judah. That is my prayer focus right now.

I want to get out of all those boxes that are keeping me prisoner. I need to manifest as a child of God. The kingdom of God needs to advance and I want to be part of the whole process. After all, I am here to see how the devil was conquered. It has all been won already.

I think I should just concentrate on stories in the Bible where God overcame on behalf of ordinary men. I need to get my faith up to a peak.

I dont want to just live under God's grace, I want to live in His supernatural. I want more, more more!

Lord Help!

Long time...

Gee, I have not managed to blog in such a long time. A lot has happened. I will briefly state them because I need to update this:

Prophecy has gone out about our ministry: As it is right now, we are not many on our church. God has promised that a multitude of people  are coming our way. We need to prepare for that,. Not only is a multitude coming, but the manifestation of The Word is also promised. The Word is going to become flesh in our ministry. There will be miracles that will draw people from across the world. The government will know about us. People will come see who we are only to find out that we are just ordinary people. Only God will do it, no man!

I on the other hand, personally, have been in training still. I am seeking to walk closer with God. He has spoken to me about intimacy. He wants more of me. I had discovered that I had put a wall of religion, doubt and fear between God and I. That had caused me to not hear Him properly when He spoke to me. Now that I have early morning devotions that Lekunutu and I decided we needed, things are better. All I know is that I want to be closer. That takes a lot of sanctification. I am not there yet but I am gettting there. His grace leads me and enables me to take one step at a time. It has been a lot o f trial and error. I am growing nonetheles.

I discovered and realised that there are a few things that I need to urgently attend to:

• I must not fear man. No man or any attempt to please man should deter me from doing the will of God.
• I need to learn to obey quickly and immediately. Putting off things gives the enemy a chance to sabotage the mission. When God wants somethig done, He releases the annointing for it at that time. I must not miss His timing.
• More love, more love, more love 
• Less of my own plans, my ideals, my ways, even my opinions - more of Him
• Guard against envy and pride (very, very, very important)
• Guard against the spirit of lust (all sorts of lusts)

What has transpired lately:

• Due to our Friday Night Prayers, our Sunday services have escalated to a higher level
• The past Friday Night Prayer (22 May 2009) something broke in me. I prayed and I was overcome by His presence and I cried from the depth of me and I felt something break. I know I needed it. I was parying in line with having more love, being more obedient and hungering for more of God. I asked The Holy Spirit to do something new in my life and that is when it happened. It was odd but it felt like release, being set free from something. God is Faithful.
• I have been shown the guy I should marry. He also called, arranged to meet and we fell inlove after spending 8 hours with each other (and this was our initial meeting). Now I am in a courtship and I am head over heels inlove. I know. It is strange and maybe extreme but this is my life. This is how things work in my life now. I do not live an ordinary life - not anymore. 

 

 

 

My personal prophecies:

• Financial abundance
• My prophetic opening up
• Healing annointing (Lekunutu more in this area)
• Promotion
• Intimacy with God
• My children shall be taught of The Lord

 

 

Ouch...

So, my pastor calls me in for an unpleasant consultation with her. She first tells me that she has been struggling within herself with the message she has to give to me. She just did not want to, but she has to. The problem: my attitude.

She has felt that I had 'resented' her sometimes because of things she has had to say to me. She felt I was  not submissive to her as a leader, that sometimes my feelings rises up against her in certain instances but then I pretend I am fine while I am not.

I listened to her and wondered where all of that was coming from. I got a bit emotional and for a while I felt misunderstood. Then I decided that maybe there was something in there that I should pay attention to. I went home and talked to God just like I was ordered.

I realised that the pastor was right.

See, before I became a pentecostal Christian, I was 7thDayAdventist. I gave about 11yrs of my life to that church, believing that everything they told me was the gospel truth. It was not. In fact, there doctrine uses fear to keep you as a slave to the law, making you think that you 'work' your way to heaven. They don't see it that way. It took God to take me out of there. Most people never get out. I trusted the leaders, I trusted the church and its doctrines. It was a shock to find out that I had been swimming in the sea of deception all this time. It was a shock! It was as if someone had just told me that my parents are not my real parents and I was not born on the 28th of April. Life-changing...life-shuttering!

Since then, I have been kinda skeptic and defensive when it came to 'spiritual leaders'. This little fact was hidden somewhere in my subconscious. Only when I went to God with what pastor said did it come out. I had to dig for it acknowledge it and give it to God. There had in fact been times when I had wondered ' what if Pastor is wrong? What if she did not hear from God? What if she is just insisting in her own ways?

These questions are legitimate, dont get me wrong. That is why it is important that we do not use servants of God as pychics or the like. We have a responsibility to hear from God ourselves. The Holy Spirit is here to lead us unto all truth. Anyway...my questions. As I said, they were ligitimate. The problem was that, instead of listening and going back to God to check it,  I would just resist. In resisting, I would eventually feel guilty and then go to God to check it out. Smetimes I would not go to God. I would just comply (but not in agreement) because I felt I was not given any other choice. Funny enough though, I would not think about it in those words, I would just act it out without even analysing it. I never sat down to think about it, to admit it to myself and to try to find out why this was happening.

I talked to God about it now that it was out in the open. I expressed my fear of falling into deception again. I was comforted by being reminded that I survived deception before because He took me out personally. I was told not to worry. I was at the right place. And besides, if I was not at the right place, God would take me out at the right time. I was assured of safety, of guidance and of truth.

Pastor Cynthia is like an Elijah to me and me, an Elisha to her. She is here to mentor me - God's human vessel to train me. There is so much need for mentorship in the Body of Christ. I feel blessed and honoured that I was provided with one of the most God-fearing and accurate prophetic leader in the Kigndom. Her type is rare. Before I can be trusted with The Call, I first need to serve. That is just how it is. I am happy to do that.

So, no more resentments and rebellion against my mentor. It really is not wise. Yes, I must question what she says but I must question God about it. I must pray until I get my own answers.

Lord God.
You are not an idol.
Not made by human hands.
You are not mute.
You are not deaf.
You hear me.
You answer me.
Without fail...

Thank You

  
    

If u dont Pray, u become prey...

My colleague, Lebo, stuck the above words on my computer so that I can see them everyday. I am truly grateful for that. They have made such impact to my life. They actually get me to pray more than I used to.

The last meeting I had with my pastors, they said something about 'praying right'. Pastor Papi mentioned that it was  important how we pray. Based mainly on the night prayers, he mentioned how we should be in one accord. It made sense to me (not at that moment but later) when I read about the day of Pentecost in Acts. It says that they were all gathered and in one accord when the Holy Spirit came upon them like tongues of fire. There is power in unity. Imagine people gathered together and channelling their spiritual energies (for lack of a better word) toward one focal point (again, for lack of a better word). How much spiritual power will be evoked? Wow....

Now, what does it take to get to that point where all of you are in one accord? This needs investigation. I shall blog about the solution once I believe that I have found it.

The Spirit Of Truth shall not deny me the answer.

Blessed be the name of the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY - Creator of heaven and earth.

pentecost

(Apparentlly this picture is not even close to representing what happened on Pentecost. They were apparently all babptised in Holy Ghost (fire) that their whole bodies looked like tongues of fire)