God is a God of grace indeed. So many times I get it all wrong. I complicate things. My human nature gets in the way of my happiness. I get all clouded with confusion. I push my own agendas. I sin. I fall. I struggle to get up. I condemn myself. I am tempted to regress, to pull out. I get up. I go on. I win.
This is my journey. I have been called into the office of a Prophet. My prophetic gift is stuck somewhere between religion, non-submissiveness and trespasses. It sucks. Once in a while, there is a manifestation. I know deep inside that this is not it. I know that somnething needs to break. That something is me!
I stand in my own way. I block my own path. Sometimes I am just being naive, sometimes careless, sometimes stupid and sometimes just plain rebellious. How is it that God still calls my name, still gives me promises, still holds me close? I will never really undersatand that.
I want to have a closer walk with God. A much closer walk. The Bible says that "Enoch walked with God". I like that. I want that. I want to be a person after His own heart like David, be called His friend like Abraham. I want to negotiate with Him like Moses, walk powerfully with Him like Elisha. I want and crave so much more.
When I look at where I am, I wonder if I will ever get to where I desire to be. So many times I lived in the fear of doing it wrong, following my own mind, doing things in the flesh. This has paralized me a lot. It tied my hands and feet to even trying out the things God told me to do. Doubt is a horrible thing. To have that cloud of ' what if you are wrong' hanging on you, terrorizing you....I hate it!
I have decided that I would rather be wrong than be paralized by fear. I would rather make that mistake so that I know what the mistake looks like. This is the only way I can know what not to do. Then I can move on from that, try something else. I will do this until I get it right. It reminds me of the parable of the talents. I dont want to be that guy who went and hid his talent because of fear. Fear turns you into a coward. When you are a coward you hide things, you hide yourself. You are always trying to protect something from an enemy that is in your head. Its crazy. Goes along with such things as 'Fear of failure'.
My pastor talked to me and told me that I am too other-people-conscious. She said that I need to be more God conscious to be used effectively by God in my ministry. It reminded me of the verse (I think it is in Isaiah) that says something like, ' why do you fear mortal men more than you fear God? If you fear man, God will make them a terror to you' - well, something like that.
So, I need to be more brave - bold like a Lion of Judah. That is my prayer focus right now.
I want to get out of all those boxes that are keeping me prisoner. I need to manifest as a child of God. The kingdom of God needs to advance and I want to be part of the whole process. After all, I am here to see how the devil was conquered. It has all been won already.
I think I should just concentrate on stories in the Bible where God overcame on behalf of ordinary men. I need to get my faith up to a peak.
I dont want to just live under God's grace, I want to live in His supernatural. I want more, more more!
Lord Help!
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